Who among us hasn't seen the tubs of quivering, jellied "fruit" at the grocery store and recoiled? Colors like that are supposed to be a warning when found in nature. Who hasn't heard the jokes about doorstops? The singular fruitcake theory? So, why would I write an article about the virtues of such a despised object? And why so early? After all, Christmas is months away. The answer is simple: A good fruitcake needs these months to get soused.

Fruitcake has a long and colorful history starting in ancient Rome and nearly ending with the mass produced, citron filled abominations of the recent past. Since most things eaten in ancient Rome involved fermented fish paste, I can't imagine that their fruitcake was any better than the glowing masses served at office Christmas parties for the past twenty years. They are still eaten with regularity in the British Isles and Ireland, and wherever the Empire has had lasting influence, however. Sadly, the demise of the fruitcake in the US came with the "simplification" of store bought products. That they are called products and not food is significant. By the time people realized how awful they were, hardly anyone knew how to make proper fruitcakes anymore.

The best fruitcakes eschew citron and oddly colored fruit. I learned this after subjecting myself to the store bought atrocities year after year and vowing never to eat fruitcake again. A year later, a family friend brought some of hers over to share, and I couldn't very well gag and tell her that I would be breaking a sacred commitment if I ate her gift. That day I was converted.

Her fruitcake was made of real fruit and crunchy walnuts out of the shell, it was moist. The cherries were even red! It was an epiphany, it was a miracle, and it sparked my quest for good fruitcakes. A good fruitcake involves dried fruit, fresh nuts and, perhaps some quality candied fruit, not those brightly colored dental work destroyers. A good fruitcake should also be pickled. Now, teetotalers may substitute juice for alcohol, but should know that they will not be able to age the fruitcakes properly.

For the brave hearted and adventurous souls, I present two recipes for true fruitcake that will be enjoyed by friends and family. Once they are shamed into trying them. Both of these recipes are best started around October or November. When they have been properly soaked and aged, serve in thin slices.